Song Lyrics

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love
It had been a while
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips
milky white skin and baby blue eyes
Name was Russell

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave"
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin'
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer"
Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
as I do my little kooky dance
And then she told me to shush
I guess she could sense my desperation
'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true
So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean
Got to nail her back at her trailer
Heh. That rhymes
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb"
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton
Well, my heart just dropped
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler
I never thought missing children could be so sexy
Did I say that out loud?

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

James M. Franks

The duration of A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying is 1:43 minutes and seconds.