Song Lyrics

Oh, Johnny and Janie, they were the perfect married couple
But not in bed
Oh, they tried taking drugs, How-To books, even Dr. Ruth
But for all intents and purposes their love life was dead

'Til one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
She bought a long cylindrical thing
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not
Every night you can hear him sing

He says, "Our love is bein' kept alive by artificial means
You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by artificial means''

Oh, Johnny went down to the barroom
He bought one drink, he bought two, he bought three
Oh, he moaned to the bartender, the state of his married life
Bartender said, "Hey Bud, just listen to me''

So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
He bought a plastic blow-up doll
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not
She is angry, she is jealous, she's appalled

She says, "Our love is bein' kept alive by artificial means
You've grown emotionally attached to that poly-ethylene
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by artificial means''

Wires
(Wires)
Switches
(Switches)

Batteries
(Batteries)
Plastic
(Plastic)
Tufts of artificial hair

Who'd ever think they could replace the love
(Love)
Humans used to share?
(Humans used to, humans used to)
(Humans used to, humans used to)

Then one fateful day those batteries died
At the same moment that, that big doll sprung a leak
Johnny looked at Janie looked at Johnny looked at Janie
Oh, they both found it difficult to speak

I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away
And fell in love all over again
But Johnny taped up that hissing woman
When Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walkman

Because their love is bein kept alive by artificial means
They've grown emotionally attached to those modern sex machines
Their relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause their love is being kept alive, love is being kept alive
Love is being kept alive by artificial means

Christine Lavin

The duration of Artificial Means is 3:01 minutes and seconds.